Carry On, Jon

There was a time when I felt it was hard when you have a sibling who is just a year younger.
Family.. friends.. neighbors.. acquaintances.. strangers.. they all played favorites.

And the spotlight was on me.

Only because the whole family thought I was lovelier to dress up.
Only because the whole family thought I was cuter.
Only because the whole family thought I was smarter.
Only because the whole family thought I could dance to a tune.
Only because the whole family thought the fair-skinned were the more beautiful ones.

Growing up, I had the best things, I went to the best school and I had all the attention.
While you made do with what was offered and given to you. There were no hesitations. There were no complaints. You kept all emotions bottled up inside.

I realized I never wanted the spotlight.
Consciously or unconsciously,  I kept everything at lowkey.
I flunked my subjects left and right every trimester, while you earned your degree on time.
I had several trial and error relationships, while our whole family knew of only one girl whom you eventually married.
I was the irresponsible elder sister while you were the mature brother who stood as the man of the house while dad was away.

I wanted to take the back seat.  You wanted to shine.  We both got what we wanted. It was great teamwork back there I should say.

While others might have done it differently than you did, you knew how to make something of the negative and transformed yourself into the amazing man that you are now.  And though I may not say it often, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

Cheers to another year brother.

-ImAShellCracker,  102513


Will You Take Heed?

I was crazy in love at one point too. Maybe more.

I was always forewarned by people who cared the most, who cared for real.

The people who watched my every move,  the people who breathed down my neck.. they unleashed the rebel in me. And I continuously drowned myself in an ocean of make-believe. I was a fool like that.

I knew I was going to get burned by touching the fire, yet I touched it anyway. Just so I could feel it for myself, just so I had myself to blame but not regret that I did. My mind was twisted like that.

I was blind to the truth because the truth was not how i understood what love was. The truth did not matter. And to say that I was having the time of my life was an understatement. I was in love like that.

But that was me.
I thought I knew myself well.
I thought that I could handle stupidity and all the things that went with it.

It’s different when you see it happening to someone close to you.. someone you deeply care about.. someone who has always been fragile in your eyes.

True to the adage ‘been there, done that.’, I have been there where you are now and I have done more than everything you have done so far.

But how do I warn?

-ImAShellCracker, 101913

On Neutral Ground

For some reason, I have always pictured myself as the strong one. And I have always wanted to become that. I claim to be able to crack a hard shell, to a point when it becomes a surprise to me when people hesitate to open up and pour out their souls. Maybe because my first attempt did not just make somebody feel I didn’t have biases but because it was an eye opener on what I was capable of.  Yes I keep an open mind,  I do not judge quickly and I want people to draw strength from me.

And when people think I am doing them a favor even by just listening, it’s really the other way around.
It’s my soul they guard.

Those eyes.. see the beauty around you. The grass is green, the skies are blue,  the smiles are sweet, the laughter is real.

Those hands.. let them stop from shaking.  Let nothing fear you.  I’ve got your back. I will hold you, I will not let go.

Those feet.. stand up and take a step. One at a time. Until you can walk again. You know where you want to go. To a place where nothing is make-believe.

That heart..  I wish I could keep and lock it in a safe place. It’s been beaten up a lot and you have put up your walls so high. You just peep through these walls, checking what’s outside the small world you have created for yourself, but afraid to let somebody in.

I wish I was with you right there right now, and all the time I can while I’ve still got enough strength for us.
If you can’t help yourself, at least let me try.

-ImAShellCracker, 101513

Eyes Wide Open, Eyes Wide Shut

And when I closed my eyes, I saw you there..
We talked and we laughed, we didn’t give a care..
You were all smiles at me, I was smiling back at you..
Such a happy moment, everything felt so true.

And when I opened them, it was you I recognized..
A much more different you was what I realized.. The eyes had so much pain, the heart was broken..
A single thing of what you feel, to me you hadn’t spoken.

Now close your eyes and think of my face..
Think of how I want to make you happy all these days..
When you’re done, open them and look at me..
I am still the same person, that’s what I’ll always be.

-ImAShellCracker,  101213

The Roads We Travel

There are two roads ahead of you.

First road is a familiar road. You know the humps and turns. You had a fun journey anyhow.  You are certain where it leads but you don’t care about that, because the sights along the way, the smiles that it brought, the overwhelming feelings.. they are what count the most. But you fear too much.

Second road is an unknown road. Don’t know where it leads. Looks like a smooth and happy road from where you’re standing. You’re just not sure if that’s the direction you want to take. It’s like blindy jumping to a cliff without knowing where to land. You are uncertain too much.

Do you start walking on either one?
Do you really have to make a choice?
Or do you stay where you’re at? At least for now.

-ImAShellCracker,  100813